This dating disaster begins with a shopping trip with my best friend to Marshall's.I saw these really great shoes that I REALLY wanted. open-toed slate blue leather slides with a chunky heel and below-the-ankle strap, with a rosette at the toe.Gorgeous! During this same trip, though, I found a Dooney & Bourke handbag, Guess sunglasses, and a Michael Korrs spring trench coat in hot pink.Something had to give, so I tried to hide the shoes by mixing them in with the men's sneakers, thinking I would return for them next week.Well, as you may surmise, when I returned, the not-so-carefully hidden shoes were gone and there was not another pair in my size to be found.However, I did find a pair a size below mine and another one a size above AND they were on sale! So, I chose the ones that were just slightly too big.This turned out to be a very unfortunate mistake.The first time that I wore my fabulous, new, but slightly too big shoes, I took a wrong step in a parking lot and ended up with a bleeding left leg full of asphalt, and a broken right foot housed in a very UNfabulous CAM walker, complete with seventeen Velcro straps, a 4 inch platform heel, and a gauge (adjusted with an Allen Key!) at the ankle set to hold my foot at a constant 90 degree angle.I view my CAM walker with ambivalence; on one hand, I am so grateful for the mobility that it offers, but it makes me feel clumsy, clanky, and clodding with every step.Now, it just so happens that when one breaks a foot, one ends up with some unexpected free time to recover.Free time that one might spend viewing profiles and responding to messages on the dating website that she belongs to.So, I met Mike.We texted, we spoke on the phone.I found out that he was a former professional chef turned truck driver, currently separated with 3 children under the age of 5 (red flag, assuaged by Mike's assertion that he did not need a new mommy for his boys).I explained about my broken foot and we talked about everything from the Brady Bunch to how to deal with evangelism in public settings (consensus. smile, say thank you, accept the pamphlets, then recycle or otherwise dispose of).We agreed to meet for drinks.Now, when the fact that you are teeter-tottering in a CAM walker on a first date turns out to NOT be the most awkward part of the evening, you know there is not going to be a second date.Awkward moment #1..Mike had told me that he had a motorcycle, an old minivan, and a classic car that he showed on the weekends.During a cigarette break during our date, Mike asked me to scan the parking lot and see if I could pick out his motorcycle.The problem was, I didn't see any motorcycles in the parking lot- only cars, SUVs, trucks, and a scooter like the one driven by Tom Hanks in the movie Larry Crowne.Yep, you guessed it.Awkward moment #2..When talking about our respective jobs, I asked Mike what had convinced him to leave culinary artistry in favor of truck driving.His response started out appropriately enough; he complained about the hours, but then he went wildly overboard.He explained that he had lost his passion for cooking because, "cooking for people who didn't appreciate his efforts was analogous to smelling your own farts- other people think you stink, but you are able to enjoy them yourself".I think Mike was actually surprised that this statement made me dry heave a little.Awkward moment #3..Mike and I started a discussion about dating horror stories.I, of course, told my tale of the Incredible Hulk.He told me about a date he had gone on where the woman was similarly dishonest with him.They had agreed to meet on a street corner in Manhattan (I don't know if that's a common thing to do for city folk??!) When she arrived, Mike could tell right away that she had Down's syndrome and had obviously used someone else's picture in her dating profile.He was understandably disappointed and annoyed, but what he did next bothered me.He asked the woman if she wanted to get a cup of coffee in the caf located near where they met.She agreed, he told her he was just going to move his car and would meet her inside, and then drove away- leaving her alone inside the caf.I thought that made him sort of a creep.Awkward moment #4..You'll remember that Mike told me he owned a motorcycle (umm.Debatable), a minivan, and a classic Bel Aire that he showed in weekend car shows.He was making self-deprecating jokes about driving a minivan and how uncool it was, but necessary because of the kids.I commiserated by recalling how I drove a station wagon for a while when my boys were young.He tried to top me (?) by citing how old and beat up his minivan was, full of dents on the front.I jokingly asked if he had hit a moose with it, and he said, no, a man- then he paused for a second before he blurted out, "yeah, I killed someone".I thought he was joking, so I giggled until I saw the look of seriousness on Mike's face and heard his next words, "the guy was jay-walking and popped out right in front of my car.He spent a year in a coma, and then died".I would advise against telling stories like this on first dates.Awkward moment #5..Mike confided in me that his wife had taken out an order of protection against him.She accused him of being a bully, like the guy in Sleeping with the Enemy (his words, not mine).He explained that that was just a complete fabrication, of course, although, he couldn't understand why she had so much difficulty remembering to turn off the lights when she left a room.I mean, didn't she realize how wasteful that was? How much money it cost every month? And, really, how difficult is it to flip a switch when you leave a room? An understandable pet peeve, absolutely.I've probably used the same argument (same words) with my children.But, I'd advise any woman who decides to date Mike long term to take swimming lessons, nevertheless.
Monday, September 17, 2012
Tips for Success With Women, Or What NOT to Do on a First Date
This dating disaster begins with a shopping trip with my best friend to Marshall's.I saw these really great shoes that I REALLY wanted. open-toed slate blue leather slides with a chunky heel and below-the-ankle strap, with a rosette at the toe.Gorgeous! During this same trip, though, I found a Dooney & Bourke handbag, Guess sunglasses, and a Michael Korrs spring trench coat in hot pink.Something had to give, so I tried to hide the shoes by mixing them in with the men's sneakers, thinking I would return for them next week.Well, as you may surmise, when I returned, the not-so-carefully hidden shoes were gone and there was not another pair in my size to be found.However, I did find a pair a size below mine and another one a size above AND they were on sale! So, I chose the ones that were just slightly too big.This turned out to be a very unfortunate mistake.The first time that I wore my fabulous, new, but slightly too big shoes, I took a wrong step in a parking lot and ended up with a bleeding left leg full of asphalt, and a broken right foot housed in a very UNfabulous CAM walker, complete with seventeen Velcro straps, a 4 inch platform heel, and a gauge (adjusted with an Allen Key!) at the ankle set to hold my foot at a constant 90 degree angle.I view my CAM walker with ambivalence; on one hand, I am so grateful for the mobility that it offers, but it makes me feel clumsy, clanky, and clodding with every step.Now, it just so happens that when one breaks a foot, one ends up with some unexpected free time to recover.Free time that one might spend viewing profiles and responding to messages on the dating website that she belongs to.So, I met Mike.We texted, we spoke on the phone.I found out that he was a former professional chef turned truck driver, currently separated with 3 children under the age of 5 (red flag, assuaged by Mike's assertion that he did not need a new mommy for his boys).I explained about my broken foot and we talked about everything from the Brady Bunch to how to deal with evangelism in public settings (consensus. smile, say thank you, accept the pamphlets, then recycle or otherwise dispose of).We agreed to meet for drinks.Now, when the fact that you are teeter-tottering in a CAM walker on a first date turns out to NOT be the most awkward part of the evening, you know there is not going to be a second date.Awkward moment #1..Mike had told me that he had a motorcycle, an old minivan, and a classic car that he showed on the weekends.During a cigarette break during our date, Mike asked me to scan the parking lot and see if I could pick out his motorcycle.The problem was, I didn't see any motorcycles in the parking lot- only cars, SUVs, trucks, and a scooter like the one driven by Tom Hanks in the movie Larry Crowne.Yep, you guessed it.Awkward moment #2..When talking about our respective jobs, I asked Mike what had convinced him to leave culinary artistry in favor of truck driving.His response started out appropriately enough; he complained about the hours, but then he went wildly overboard.He explained that he had lost his passion for cooking because, "cooking for people who didn't appreciate his efforts was analogous to smelling your own farts- other people think you stink, but you are able to enjoy them yourself".I think Mike was actually surprised that this statement made me dry heave a little.Awkward moment #3..Mike and I started a discussion about dating horror stories.I, of course, told my tale of the Incredible Hulk.He told me about a date he had gone on where the woman was similarly dishonest with him.They had agreed to meet on a street corner in Manhattan (I don't know if that's a common thing to do for city folk??!) When she arrived, Mike could tell right away that she had Down's syndrome and had obviously used someone else's picture in her dating profile.He was understandably disappointed and annoyed, but what he did next bothered me.He asked the woman if she wanted to get a cup of coffee in the caf located near where they met.She agreed, he told her he was just going to move his car and would meet her inside, and then drove away- leaving her alone inside the caf.I thought that made him sort of a creep.Awkward moment #4..You'll remember that Mike told me he owned a motorcycle (umm.Debatable), a minivan, and a classic Bel Aire that he showed in weekend car shows.He was making self-deprecating jokes about driving a minivan and how uncool it was, but necessary because of the kids.I commiserated by recalling how I drove a station wagon for a while when my boys were young.He tried to top me (?) by citing how old and beat up his minivan was, full of dents on the front.I jokingly asked if he had hit a moose with it, and he said, no, a man- then he paused for a second before he blurted out, "yeah, I killed someone".I thought he was joking, so I giggled until I saw the look of seriousness on Mike's face and heard his next words, "the guy was jay-walking and popped out right in front of my car.He spent a year in a coma, and then died".I would advise against telling stories like this on first dates.Awkward moment #5..Mike confided in me that his wife had taken out an order of protection against him.She accused him of being a bully, like the guy in Sleeping with the Enemy (his words, not mine).He explained that that was just a complete fabrication, of course, although, he couldn't understand why she had so much difficulty remembering to turn off the lights when she left a room.I mean, didn't she realize how wasteful that was? How much money it cost every month? And, really, how difficult is it to flip a switch when you leave a room? An understandable pet peeve, absolutely.I've probably used the same argument (same words) with my children.But, I'd advise any woman who decides to date Mike long term to take swimming lessons, nevertheless.
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