"Self-sufficiency" and "independence" are qualities our culture promotes and even idealizes.Look to the movies for the attractiveness of "the strong silent type" of man.And the professionally successful, self-reliant woman achieves higher social status today than the warm, nurturing, relationship-oriented woman of decades past.One could say that we have not only enculturated a love affair with self-reliance, but also gone to the extreme of promoting pathological self-reliance.While self- sufficiency and independence to a point are important benchmarks of adulthood, taken too far, these same traits are hazardous to our hearts.Henry S.Lodge, MD, author of Younger Next Year, writes, "the science of the past decade has demonstrated that love, companionship and community are deeply women into our DNA.Emotional connection is a biological imperative, and we pay a high price for ignoring it.Isolation is what's unnatural--and deadly.".Lodge notes that men who have heart attacks who go home to empty houses and have "a high level of stress are four times more likely to die within the first few years." For those who are most isolated, the risk of premature death from any cause is up to five times higher.And being connected impacts the small stuff as well as long-term health.More connected people are happier and healthier across the spectrum of life.Having a strong sense of social connection will reduce the number of colds you'll get, in addition to increasing the odds of surviving cancer.Many of us take daily vitamin tablets.We also have daily requirements for love, friendship and community!We would all be healthier if our culture would teach emotional literacy skills--to know ones own heart, and to value the time investment required to build and sustain intimate relationships.Instead of trying to push away, shut off, ignore or medicate our emotions, we need to learn to understand and heed the messages they give.Emotions get a bad rap in our culture, and this creates a dangerous form of emotional illiteracy.Our bodies and brains have a constant stream of sensations, thoughts and feelings, providing a sense of who we are, what we want and what we need.Trying to shut our emotions off is hazardous to our health.Learning to speak the language of our emotions and our bodies can help live a healthier and happier life.This information really challenges the "I am a rock, I am an island," socialization process for men, which also has effected more and more women, as our society has promoted professional success and devalued investing time in nurturing relationships.I am afraid the pathological self-reliance idealized in our culture is rooted in the degree of heart trauma people live through and then ultimately, live with.How do we promote connection in our daily lives?1.Make time to cuddle up.My cats curl up with one another and sleep contently every day.The same can hardly be said for most people in our culture, including those who live with a partner.2.Understand the biological imperative to be part of a group.It may be easier to do everything on your own, but you will go farther and last longer if you take the time to do things with friends, family and loved ones.Lodge says, "reconnecting with your community becomes a life-affirming, lifesaving and urgent priority.".3.Invest in and value your primary relationship.Men who are married live longer than men who are not.This may be credited to their wives' emotional connections.A woman's death cuts about five years off her husband's life expectancy.The fact that if a man dies, his wife's life expectancy drops for the first four years, but as she adjusts to her new life, her life expectancy increases.Men would benefit greatly from putting more effort into building an emotional infrastructure.4.Reach out to others.So many of us are always waiting for the other person to make the first move.Don't wait.Initiate.Find a concert you want to attend, and invite a friend or loved one to join you.Have a group of people over for dinner.Talk to the person exercising next to you at the gym.5.Turn off the tv, and tune in to your relationships.So many people rely on the constant chatter of the television set to keep them company as they decompress after a long day.While the news can be a constant companion, it's not the same as a real- time conversation--or silent moment--with a loved one or friend.©2008 Linda Marks.
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